Ok, I’m starting to think these parental units have some kind of obsession with strapping me into things.  Look at this contraption! Does he think he looks cool with a baby strapped to his chest? Does he have any idea how creepy it feels to have a fully grown male strapped to your back? I’m beginning to wonder if there are any standards for parents? Don’t they have to pass a test or something?

What kind of people are these? So they strap me into this device that hangs on a doorframe and expect me to be amused by the fact that I’m laying down vertically with no human being to support me. Naturally, I’m terrified. I keep thinking the straps are gonna break or the doorframe will crack.  Do they think I want to be hanging precariously from a doorframe? And besides, what kind of parent hangs an infant from a doorframe then backs away to take pictures?

So I met my paternal great-grandmother which is, as far as I can tell, the parental unit of my parental unit’s unit. I know…like, don’t they ever grow up? I’m just guessing, but I estimate she’s about 3 or 4 thousand years old. I’m hoping we’re genetically similar because she’s got to be the most agile, active and loving quadri-kilonarian I’ve ever met.  She seems to have more energy than my dad and he’s only a few hundred years old or so.

I think I’ve stumbled onto something here.  If I push up on my lower extremities while pulling on the upper ones, I can achieve a vertical advantage. The view from this position is amazing! I can see all around me — things that were previously hidden suddenly come into view!!It’s a bit dizzying though — I can’t support this position for long because my legs aren’t strong enough to support my head for any significant length of time — but I suspect that if I keep doing this “pull up” routine I’ve just developed, I’ll have enough lower-body strength to maintain this position for whole minutes at a time. I’m not sure, but I think that this “standing up” technology is key to the whole ambulatory thing. Stay tuned…

Holy Jeepers! Look at the size of this lime-green furry creature! They just plopped the thing right beside me — almost scared the poop out of me.  Oh… waitaminute. It did scare the poop out of me. Oh… sorry buddy.

Hey you! You, with the camera! Can I get a dry nappie here!

There seems to be a theme running here.

They slip me into some sort of support device then strap me in. Barely three months old and with a spine that’s about as solid as week-old noodles in a soggy paper bag, they slip me into this plastiform molded chair and expect me to be ecstatic at the opportunity to mold my skeletal structure to an implement that seems more built for torture than for comfort. I guess I brought this on … I had this weird notion that I could see things better if I sat up than if laid flat on my back. I must admit I kinda like this “sitting up” position better… had I known it would entail this form of therapeutic punishment I might have spent a few more months admiring the finely detailed workmanship on the ubiquitous parquet flooring.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with these people — it took me almost 3 days of hard-core sucking to teach this woman how to breastfeed and even now, a month later, she’s still struggling. I’m lucky if can get a meal from Leftie without getting sprayed in the eye and Rightie is such a runt that I only use it to keep my sucking muscles in shape. She tries hard though… I look into her eyes and it’s almost as if she can understand that her purpose in this universe is to make sure I’m happy. I’m hoping she’ll be more alert as she gets older because she’s sometimes hard to wake up when I need a new nappie or little snack in the wee hours of the morning. She seems to respond well to screaming though.

Hello my name is Madeleine. I was born December 5th, 2003 and I live in a place called “home” in a country whose name I can’t remember but my mom says it’s spelled with a lot of ‘eh’s. I was born in Ottawa while my parents were living in Toronto (but trying to get their home in Québec renovated, so they say). You can’t imagine the noisy mess I came home to — and this after 36 hours of labour, trying to calm my mother down after her caesarian section and screaming at my dad to get me a bloody blankie .These guys are newbies… I sense a lot training ahead.