Relaxing in my hotel room after spending the day visiting my legion fans here in Toronto, I’m a bit impressed by the facilities. Look at the size of this bed! It’s as big as my room back home! And the best part is that, to get to our room, we have to step into this little magic cube with sliding doors that makes my tummy tingle while, get this, it totally transforms the lobby into the hallway to my room… it’s amazing! I don’t know how they do but it works every time!
And in reverse too: walk down the hall from my room, press a button to make the doors open, walk inside and seconds later the doors open and voilà!!! The hallway is gone and there’s the lobby. Makes me wonder though…if they can transform a lobby into a hotel room hallway in the blink of an eye, why does it take so long for my parental unit to transform that construction zone into something usable. I’m thinking I didn’t get the sharpest crayons in the box….
I am soooo freaked out! I knew about the holes in my head… as far as I can tell I have one for each finger (on one hand…) and, I’m proud to say, I can point to them all when my handlers mention their names: “ears”, “nose” and, the big one, mouth. And I figured out their purposes too (duhhh…. doesn’t take a two-year-old to figure those out).
And I kinda suspected that I have a couple of holes in the diaper zone but I’d rather not muck around down there, if you know what I mean. What freaked me out is, like, the other day I’m getting some big time attention because I figured out where my belly was, then today… Papa sticks his finger INSIDE my belly and says, with an evil smile, “belly button”! My jaw must have dropped when my fingers slid down to his and, I’m not kidding, right in the middle of my belly, I could feel another hole!!!
Yuck! I’m really worried now… what if my arms get longer and I discover a whole network of holes? And what possible purpose could a hole in your belly serve? Drainage? Feeding? Accessories? I shudder to think of the possibilities…
Despite my best effort to stay awake, the parental units have found a way to defeat my anti-sleep defensive mechanisms… some dastardly device called “The Swing” plays some cheesy sleepy-time tune whilst the nefarious motorized contraption rocks me to and fro’. As much as I try to resist, I inevitably end up being knocked unconscious by the motion of this incredibly predictable device. I must learn ways to resist….must stay awake…must…hmmmmmm…
They gave me this round semi rigid thing without a single word of warning and, just as I put it into my mouth (like I always do with new stuff) it starts to dissolve and, I swear, crumble into little bits of sand-flavoured crap! I don’t know what they were thinking…they know I put everything in my mouth — what’s with the sand-bar?
I gagged, naturally, and spat it out yet, for some unfathomable reason, I felt compelled to put the evil thing back into my mouth. It was like my mouth needed a second opinion. Soon I was left with a soggy mess, a sorely-tested gag reflex, bits junk in my hair and nose, and, shortly thereafter, some nasty structural changes in my nappy.
I certainly hope this is the last time they try to foist that kind of junk into me…
It turns out I have another brother. Dunno how I missed that one…he’s been around all this time but, quite frankly, all these adult males start looking and smelling alike after awhile.
I’m not sure about this one though…. he’s been educated in the black art of Mechanics and works at the most revered place my papa calls “Canadian Tire” yet he seems obsessed with playing with the engine head when this motor is obviously having some carburetor issues. I made a few adjustments but, as you might guess, being 2 feet tall limits my ability to influence change. Personally I think he should switch to a motor vehicle that has a bit more muscle…perhaps something a little German….
What have they done to my hair! Give my freako dada a baby comb and suddenly thinks he’s Vidal Sasoon. What does he know about baby gurl hair-dos — he grows hair on his face!
I HATE IT! Look at me, for crying out loud, I look like a poorly drawn Lisa Simpson!!
Woah… today I experienced something radically different from the rest of my existence! At first it was just a question of sitting in a different but similar chair, if you know what I mean. But then, all of sudden, there’s my maternal unit pushing on the chair, almost as if she wanted to put some distance between me and her.
Then, without warning, the chair starts to fall back towards her, as if some secret force was at work denying her the pleasure of my rejection. So then she pushes again, as if to emphasize her antipathy, and — amazingly — her efforts are thwarted by a sudden swing back towards her. This “to-fro” yin-yang thing goes on for several time-units.
She squealed then screamed something at me but that woman just can’t pronounce her words — it just sounds like mumbling to me. Besides, if it doesn’t start with a “buh” sound then I don’t understand it… come to think of it, every word I know is pronounced “buh”… go figure.
Mom smiles a lot, I’m noticing….me not so much.
I think it’s because she has teeth. Maybe teeth make you smile? Or maybe the teeth just hold your smile in place. I tried it once but it hurt my cheeks.
I’ve finally got a few teeth of my own now… but they’re kinda useless, really. I mean, what’s the point of having teeth on the bottom of your jaw if there are none at the top? I keep jabbing my upper gums! And they wonder why I seem crankier than usual…
I probably should’t admit to this cuz I’m probably violating some secret baby code of conduct… but I just love to do this. After a major cry-fest, I lay my head down on a parental unit’s chest and stay still for awhile until they think I’m asleep… all the while I’m listening to the thump-thump of their little hearts beating away until it returns to a steady thump….thump. That’s when I start with a little curl of the lip, a wrinkle of the nose, crinkling of the eyes and then, the pièce de résistance, a softly uttered ‘uhhhh.’ Man, you should hear that heart go from thump-to-thud in no time.
So fragile these creatures… gotta see what else I can do to freak them out.
So it turns out, after all, that my paternal unit isn’t such a dweeb after all. I was concerned when I found out he was a computer dweeb … I mean, how could he possibly take care of my needs when he makes such poor career choices? But then I discovered that he moonlights as a volunteer firefighter… now that’s a real job. I imagine he gets paid mucho dinera for that!
I’m relieved, frankly. It would have been really awkward dragging my bones to the first day at pre-kin knowing that my answer to the perennial “so what does your father-figure do?” question would be “well… he’s a dweeb”. Now I can say, with some pride, that he’s a highly paid volunteer firefighting dude.