They gave me this round semi rigid thing without a single word of warning and, just as I put it into my mouth (like I always do with new stuff) it starts to dissolve and, I swear, crumble into little bits of sand-flavoured crap! I don’t know what they were thinking…they know I put everything in my mouth — what’s with the sand-bar?

I gagged, naturally, and spat it out yet, for some unfathomable reason, I felt compelled to put the evil thing back into my mouth. It was like my mouth needed a second opinion. Soon I was left with a soggy mess, a sorely-tested gag reflex, bits junk in my hair and nose, and, shortly thereafter, some nasty structural changes in my nappy.

I certainly hope this is the last time they try to foist that kind of junk into me…

So here’s Grand-papa Joe visiting from Toronto and, as far as I can tell, he’s bored with the adult company. So I read him a story… what else could I do to entertain him?

Mom and dad are busy doing whatever they do and here’s poor GPP Joe trying to occupy his time. Fortunately I was chillin’ on his lap, so I read him that story about that poor Hippo trying to get his dad’s attention but his dad is too busy to play.  I think he liked it…

I have this morbid fascination with things that make sounds, especially if the sounds are the result of my movement.  I know… it’s kinky, but I can’t help it. So there I am performing my best ‘cranky baby’ routine when suddenly they slap this string of rings on me and fix it to a cabinet handle. Lo and behold, I just can’t stop madly shaking the rings on my arms, like some compulsive-obsessive ghost chained to a wall. I am compelled to watch as the rings slap against the cabinet, over and over again. Fortunately my dignity was spared when I just, like, passed out, still attached to the cabinet.

Ok…. I’m generally pretty flexible and open minded… but nobody said anything anything about “brothers”!  I fully expected to be the first offspring, if not the fabled “only child”, but here I find myself introduced to a brother! A fully grown one, at that!  I’m sorry, but this wasn’t part of the bargain…nobody told me I was was playing second clarinet to some incorrectly-gendered genetically-similar carbon entity.  Just give me a few moments to think of an appropriate response…