I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with these people — it took me almost 3 days of hard-core sucking to teach this woman how to breastfeed and even now, a month later, she’s still struggling. I’m lucky if can get a meal from Leftie without getting sprayed in the eye and Rightie is such a runt that I only use it to keep my sucking muscles in shape. She tries hard though… I look into her eyes and it’s almost as if she can understand that her purpose in this universe is to make sure I’m happy. I’m hoping she’ll be more alert as she gets older because she’s sometimes hard to wake up when I need a new nappie or little snack in the wee hours of the morning. She seems to respond well to screaming though.

Despite my best effort to stay awake, the parental units have found a way to defeat my anti-sleep defensive mechanisms… some dastardly device called “The Swing” plays some cheesy sleepy-time tune whilst the nefarious motorized contraption rocks me to and fro’.  As much as I try to resist, I inevitably end up being knocked unconscious by the motion of this incredibly predictable device.  I must learn ways to resist….must stay awake…must…hmmmmmm…

At playgroup today I heard a lot of talk among my peers about this guy named “Santa” — apparently he’s a very kid-friendly kind of guy who does nice things for little people everywhere. Naturally, I thought this was a guy I wanted to meet so I managed to convince my primary parental unit to get me an audience with this fabled character.

Personally, I don’t think this dude gets out much. When I first saw the ridiculously long white beard and the goofy red suit and cap, I thought this was a man with issues about growing up — I mean he’s obviously centuries old with that beard yet he wears a sleeper out in public (I have one just like it too…with the goofy cap).

Naturally, I screamed when mom tries to deposit me on his knee…. please! Let’s chat a bit before making me cuddle with this guy! Anyways, he didn’t seem to know what to do with a screaming baby so I tried to break the ice by playing peek-a-boo with the elf taking the pictures.  He seemed to relax a bit afterwards but…. I dunno… I guess I’ll have to get to know him better before passing judgement.

It turns out I have another brother. Dunno how I missed that one…he’s been around all this time but, quite frankly, all these adult males start looking and smelling alike after awhile.

I’m not sure about this one though…. he’s been educated in the black art of Mechanics and works at the most revered place my papa calls “Canadian Tire” yet he seems obsessed with playing with the engine head when this motor is obviously having some carburetor issues.  I made a few adjustments but, as you might guess, being 2 feet tall limits my ability to influence change. Personally I think he should switch to a motor vehicle that has a bit more muscle…perhaps something a little German….

Mom smiles a lot, I’m noticing….me not so much.

I think it’s because she has teeth.  Maybe teeth make you smile? Or maybe the teeth just hold your smile in place. I tried it once but it hurt my cheeks.

I’ve finally got a few teeth of my own now… but they’re kinda useless, really. I mean, what’s the point of having teeth on the bottom of your jaw if there are none at the top? I keep jabbing my upper gums! And they wonder why I seem crankier than usual…

Did I mention I have no teeth yet?

I’m not worried about it yet but my mom is a bit stressed over it… but have you seen her mouth bones? She’s got a huge smile that is all teeth! Looks great, really… but I’m a bit worried. If I’ve got her dental genes what’s going to happen when those larger-than-life pearly whites start protruding from my teeny little gums? I’m afraid I’m going to look like Bugs Bunny’s girlfriend!

I’m so not looking forward to having a tooth…but it’s one of those darn milestones.

I got this new block thing from my grand-dad… a bunch of blocks which, according to the instructions, are supposed to stimulate my pincer grasp and augment my manual dexterity. The problem is I can’t seem to get past this inexplicable urge to taste it and lick it all over. I dunno… it’s just bigger than me.

I feel like such a failure sometimes… I mean, I really want to explore my pincer grasping abilities and I truly hate to miss the milestones cuz I know the parental units are tracking them… but it just looks so gosh-darned edible that I lose my self-control.  One of my colleagues at the breast-feeding clinic has a mom who is an occupational therapist… perhaps I should arrange for a consult.

“Hello? Is this the Child Protection Services?”

I’d like to report a goofy father who drags a helpless child into a construction zone? What? Danger? Yes… there must be! There were wires, unfinished walls, insulation and stuff…spooky enough to make my hair stand on end…

Didn’t they have enough time to finish this place before I was born? And what the heck are they doing while I’m sleeping anyways?

This is my buddy Kate.  She’s the coolest… amazingly genuine, erudite and way more experienced. She’s actually chewed on meat and knows how to fall asleep without parental intervention and, let me tell you, that’s just so not me.

She wears her heart on her sleeves though… when she’s happy she squeals. And when she squeals you’d better have some ear protection….