Breastfeeding

Suckling at your mother’s breast is both an art and a combat sport. For one thing, there is no symmetry — you quickly learn that one of the two is the runt of the litter and no matter how much you fuss, you’re still going to have to spend some time trying to drain that sucker, no matter how frugal it is. Just go with the flow and eventually things will iron themselves out.

The combat part is a bit more tricky, especially for you preemies and more passive types. Your breasts have a production cycle and if, for one reason or another, you miss your feeding window, you are going to have a pretty eager protuberance on your hands. Or, more precisely, you are likely to have the equivalent of a boob with a Super Soaker aimed right at your forehead.  Let me tell you, there’s nothing more likely to break the mood than getting sprayed in the eye when all you wanted to do was a little recreational sucking before bedtime. The solution to this, and I’ll repeat this often, is developing good motor control — you’ll need it for defensive purposes anytime you’re surrounded by eager boobies. Reflexive ducking is good too but difficult to master when you have no control over your lower body.

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