WTF!

my bro
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my broOk…. I’m generally pretty flexible and open minded… but nobody said anything anything about “brothers”!  I fully expected to be the first offspring, if not the fabled “only child”, but here I find myself introduced to a brother! A fully grown one, at that!  I’m sorry, but this wasn’t part of the bargain…nobody told me I was was playing second clarinet to some incorrectly-gendered genetically-similar carbon entity.  Just give me a few moments to think of an appropriate response…

 

Feed me!

Me...screaming
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Me...screamingI honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with these people — it took me almost 3 days of hard-core sucking to teach this woman how to breastfeed and even now, a month later, she’s still struggling. I’m lucky if can get a meal from Leftie without getting sprayed in the eye and Rightie is such a runt that I only use it to keep my sucking muscles in shape. She tries hard though… I look into her eyes and it’s almost as if she can understand that her purpose in this universe is to make sure I’m happy. I’m hoping she’ll be more alert as she gets older because she’s sometimes hard to wake up when I need a new nappie or little snack in the wee hours of the morning. She seems to respond well to screaming though.

Gotta get outta here!

drink
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I just couldn’t stand all the hammering and singing (yes… these workmen sing while they work) so I convinced my handlers to take me to a hotel.  It’s not a big hotel, far as I can tell, but the barman, Marco, is ok and Lise the chambermaid is really friendly and cuddly. Man… I really need this drink.

Red alert!

kitchen-small
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kitchen-smallYou’re not going to believe this… my first visit home and you think I get welcomed by my new family? No…. a bunch of hairy workmen await me, their power saws and power hammers momentarily paused as they bestow their customary oooohs and aaaahs on me.  What kind of parents blow the kitchen renovation deadline when they’ve got nine months to plan it? It’s amazing these people ever managed to conceive me at all….

I am sooooo freakin’ tired…

Me...yawning.
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Me...yawning. poked, prodded, my temperature taken every time I try to fall asleep, dozens of strangers making stupid faces at me, sucking so hard the inside of my cheeks are getting stuck in my throat…and barely getting a taste of food.

It’s taking all my energy just to work up an appetite and, to make matters worse, my body is sooo uncoordinated. Earlier, I tried to stretch my legs and ended up breaking wind in a most alarming way… jeez. Don’t think the handler is getting any better…half the time she sprays me in the eye or in my ear. Practice, lady!

Gotta go…

Hello!

Me...on the outside
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Hello my name is Madeleine. I was born December 5th, 2003 and I live in a place called “home” in a country whose name I can’tMe...on the outside remember but my mom says it’s spelled with a lot of ‘eh’s. I was born in Ottawa while my parents were living in Toronto (but trying to get their home in Québec renovated, so they say). You can’t imagine the noisy mess I came home to — and this after 36 hours of labour, trying to calm my mother down after her caesarian section and screaming at my dad to get me a bloody blankie.These guys are newbies… I sense a lot training ahead.

Hello?

Picture of me as a fetus
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Picture of me as a fetusHello? Excuse me?

 Anybody else in this swimming hole? I can hear music… voices… squishy sounds… but mostly, I’m just, like, feeling laid back and concentrating on the basics, like growing a spine and a few vital organs. I could get used to this… as long as the DJ varied the tunes a bit… this “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” number is starting to wear thin…